The Worst Day

Well, today is September 19th 2012. Its been a year, a year since September 19th 2011, the worst day of my life to date. It was a day I wish I could forget but somehow of all the days of my life it is probably the day that I can vividly recall the best. It's seems as though I can relive each moment of that day second by second in my memory.

A year ago today, I remember dropping Adalyn off at our neighbors house while Matthew and I drove down to La Jolla for our 20 week ultrasound. We parked the car and walked in, hand in hand, discussing our guesses for what the gender would be. Matthew thought he was a boy, I said I think it's a girl even though in my heart I know he was a he. Big smiles on our faces as we checked in to the antepartum fetal diagnostic center at UCSD Thornton. We were so excited to find out what we were having and to start discussing names on the way home.

Our world was ripped apart, we never found out that day that little David was a boy. In the eyes of the technicians and doctors that tidbit of information was meaningless compared to the condemning markers they would discover during our routine ultrasound.

They told us we would need further testing to confirm, but if looked like David's condition was incompatible with life. I still don't believe that, David was already alive. How could something that can't have life kick you? I can still recall every tear shed in that room, the hate that overcame me as they poked my belly for an amniocentisis. I was completely crushed on the longest car ride ever. I just wanted to be home and hug my Adalyn. This could not possibly be happening to us, I wanted the earth to open up and consume me. The pain was just too much for me to bear.

I have learned so much about God, myself, our marriage, about what it means to be a mom, and the love so many of my friends, family, and strangers have for our family. I have cherished every acknowledgement of David's life and his very special part of our family. I forsee the next few months ahead of me to be difficult as Davids first angel birthday will arrive in November. Please keep my heart in your prayers.

The Lord never makes a mistake.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Psalm 139:13-17

All our love,

Amy and the Felton Family

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Still Crying

Yesterday May 26, marked the six month mark of David's birth. So much healing has taken place since we said our good buys; but I still shed a tear, or two, or a hundred nearly everyday. Knowing that David is in a better place with God in heaven doesn't really make it any easier. I'm selfish and I wish he were here with us.

I've started to seek out some help with my healing and I've started to feel better recently, the past two months have clouded me in sadness. It can be so hard to watch my friends have babies while going through such an extreme disappointment in the dreams I had for my family.

I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts on what, based on my experience, moms going through a similar situation may want from friends and families. We want to talk about our babies. When we don't have a safe opportunity to talk about our angel babies or soon to be angel babies we feel like other people don't recognize that child as ever existing and it so helps so much with our healing. I know what you're saying, "it's so hard to talk to people about stuff like that", and I understand. If most moms going through this are anything like me, we'll give you an opportunity when we feel like we're in a safe environment. I couldn't even tell you how many times I'd bring up my David in conversation and the people I was talking with seemed to pretend as if they didn't even hear me. It's like saying to us that that child isn't important. We just want to talk and brag about our children just as you love bragging about your children and all the awesome things they do. So, if you have a friend or family member struggling with the loss of their little babe and they happen to bring them up into conversation, please lend them an ear, ask them questions and let them gush about the little ones they oh so miss.

Thank you so much to my family and friends who have allowed me to inform you of all things David. Rachel H. if you're reading this, your patient attentiveness to allow me to constantly talk about David helped me through this life changing experience in such a huge way. Miss you girl.

Due Date

Well, today is February 9th 2012. Today is my due date for David. I was kind of fearing the arrival of today and how I might feel, mostly afraid the pain I thought would take over and the empty arm syndrome that would resurface. It must have gotten lost on the way, because it never showed up. Today was the day we guesstimated that David would join our family. I suppose he was just to excited and couldn't wait for February! Sometimes we feel sad that he's not with us, but it brings us such joy to know that our sweet angel baby is watching over us. I like to think of him as God's special little helper for keeping watch over us Felton's. Well, today could be thought of as a day filled with what could've beens, but that brings no good to our life only hurt so we will look forward to celebrating David's special day on November 26. We plan on setting aside November 26th each year to celebrate the special gifts David has given to our family and to remember the time he was with us. We love you David, Mom, Dad, and Adalyn

Two Months

Yesterday marked the two month mark since our sweet angel David was born. It was a day filled with a few more tears than normal and a lot of wishing that he was with us today. We miss him so much. We are very glad to say that our family is very happy and we love spending time together and dreaming of what the future holds for us. As time has passed we are still absolutely confident that every choice we made for David was the right choice and that they all also glorified God and his beautiful creation. We hope our story may help other parents who are afraid to connect and love their unborn children with life limiting or seriously complicated diagnosis. Do not be afraid! God will be with you and give you the strength to love your children and give them everything they need. I would never wish that this experience didn't happen to us. It may have been a time in our life filled with much sorrow, grief, confusion, and doubt, but it is one of the biggest highlights in my life's story and I know it has made me a better person. Best of all I know that our sweet angel baby is waiting for us in heaven.