Well, today is September 19th 2012. Its been a year, a year since September 19th 2011, the worst day of my life to date. It was a day I wish I could forget but somehow of all the days of my life it is probably the day that I can vividly recall the best. It's seems as though I can relive each moment of that day second by second in my memory.
A year ago today, I remember dropping Adalyn off at our neighbors house while Matthew and I drove down to La Jolla for our 20 week ultrasound. We parked the car and walked in, hand in hand, discussing our guesses for what the gender would be. Matthew thought he was a boy, I said I think it's a girl even though in my heart I know he was a he. Big smiles on our faces as we checked in to the antepartum fetal diagnostic center at UCSD Thornton. We were so excited to find out what we were having and to start discussing names on the way home.
Our world was ripped apart, we never found out that day that little David was a boy. In the eyes of the technicians and doctors that tidbit of information was meaningless compared to the condemning markers they would discover during our routine ultrasound.
They told us we would need further testing to confirm, but if looked like David's condition was incompatible with life. I still don't believe that, David was already alive. How could something that can't have life kick you? I can still recall every tear shed in that room, the hate that overcame me as they poked my belly for an amniocentisis. I was completely crushed on the longest car ride ever. I just wanted to be home and hug my Adalyn. This could not possibly be happening to us, I wanted the earth to open up and consume me. The pain was just too much for me to bear.
I have learned so much about God, myself, our marriage, about what it means to be a mom, and the love so many of my friends, family, and strangers have for our family. I have cherished every acknowledgement of David's life and his very special part of our family. I forsee the next few months ahead of me to be difficult as Davids first angel birthday will arrive in November. Please keep my heart in your prayers.
The Lord never makes a mistake.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in
my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your
workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it. You watched me as I was being
formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You
saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every
moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Psalm 139:13-17
All our love,
Amy and the Felton Family
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
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Sunday, May 27, 2012
Still Crying
Yesterday May 26, marked the six month mark of David's birth. So much healing has taken place since we said our good buys; but I still shed a tear, or two, or a hundred nearly everyday. Knowing that David is in a better place with God in heaven doesn't really make it any easier. I'm selfish and I wish he were here with us.
I've started to seek out some help with my healing and I've started to feel better recently, the past two months have clouded me in sadness. It can be so hard to watch my friends have babies while going through such an extreme disappointment in the dreams I had for my family.
I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts on what, based on my experience, moms going through a similar situation may want from friends and families. We want to talk about our babies. When we don't have a safe opportunity to talk about our angel babies or soon to be angel babies we feel like other people don't recognize that child as ever existing and it so helps so much with our healing. I know what you're saying, "it's so hard to talk to people about stuff like that", and I understand. If most moms going through this are anything like me, we'll give you an opportunity when we feel like we're in a safe environment. I couldn't even tell you how many times I'd bring up my David in conversation and the people I was talking with seemed to pretend as if they didn't even hear me. It's like saying to us that that child isn't important. We just want to talk and brag about our children just as you love bragging about your children and all the awesome things they do. So, if you have a friend or family member struggling with the loss of their little babe and they happen to bring them up into conversation, please lend them an ear, ask them questions and let them gush about the little ones they oh so miss.
Thank you so much to my family and friends who have allowed me to inform you of all things David. Rachel H. if you're reading this, your patient attentiveness to allow me to constantly talk about David helped me through this life changing experience in such a huge way. Miss you girl.
I've started to seek out some help with my healing and I've started to feel better recently, the past two months have clouded me in sadness. It can be so hard to watch my friends have babies while going through such an extreme disappointment in the dreams I had for my family.
I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts on what, based on my experience, moms going through a similar situation may want from friends and families. We want to talk about our babies. When we don't have a safe opportunity to talk about our angel babies or soon to be angel babies we feel like other people don't recognize that child as ever existing and it so helps so much with our healing. I know what you're saying, "it's so hard to talk to people about stuff like that", and I understand. If most moms going through this are anything like me, we'll give you an opportunity when we feel like we're in a safe environment. I couldn't even tell you how many times I'd bring up my David in conversation and the people I was talking with seemed to pretend as if they didn't even hear me. It's like saying to us that that child isn't important. We just want to talk and brag about our children just as you love bragging about your children and all the awesome things they do. So, if you have a friend or family member struggling with the loss of their little babe and they happen to bring them up into conversation, please lend them an ear, ask them questions and let them gush about the little ones they oh so miss.
Thank you so much to my family and friends who have allowed me to inform you of all things David. Rachel H. if you're reading this, your patient attentiveness to allow me to constantly talk about David helped me through this life changing experience in such a huge way. Miss you girl.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Due Date
Well, today is February 9th 2012. Today is my due date for David. I was kind of fearing the arrival of today and how I might feel, mostly afraid the pain I thought would take over and the empty arm syndrome that would resurface. It must have gotten lost on the way, because it never showed up. Today was the day we guesstimated that David would join our family. I suppose he was just to excited and couldn't wait for February! Sometimes we feel sad that he's not with us, but it brings us such joy to know that our sweet angel baby is watching over us. I like to think of him as God's special little helper for keeping watch over us Felton's. Well, today could be thought of as a day filled with what could've beens, but that brings no good to our life only hurt so we will look forward to celebrating David's special day on November 26. We plan on setting aside November 26th each year to celebrate the special gifts David has given to our family and to remember the time he was with us. We love you David, Mom, Dad, and Adalyn
Friday, January 27, 2012
Two Months
Yesterday marked the two month mark since our sweet angel David was born. It was a day filled with a few more tears than normal and a lot of wishing that he was with us today. We miss him so much. We are very glad to say that our family is very happy and we love spending time together and dreaming of what the future holds for us. As time has passed we are still absolutely confident that every choice we made for David was the right choice and that they all also glorified God and his beautiful creation. We hope our story may help other parents who are afraid to connect and love their unborn children with life limiting or seriously complicated diagnosis. Do not be afraid! God will be with you and give you the strength to love your children and give them everything they need. I would never wish that this experience didn't happen to us. It may have been a time in our life filled with much sorrow, grief, confusion, and doubt, but it is one of the biggest highlights in my life's story and I know it has made me a better person. Best of all I know that our sweet angel baby is waiting for us in heaven.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Time Heals
Today marks the one month anniversary of David's birth. I can't believe how quickly time goes by and just how much better we feel everyday. We never would have made it without our faith in God, the strength we've had in one another, and the love and support of our friends and family. Everyday there are fewer tears and more joy. It's hard to think about the fact that David should still be a lil bun in the oven, but oh so comforting to know that he's waiting for us in heaven. I think the hardest day for me was on Dec. 1st when a newly pregnant gal at the commissary asked me how far along I was. She was so excited to be pregnant and wanted to ask me questions. I told her I had just had a baby but I didn't tell her about David. I think the hardest thing about it was that during my pregnancy not a single stranger ever asked me if I was pregnant and now only a few days after loosing our son someone thought I was pregnant. We've spent a lot of time focusing our time and energy on our sweet Adalyn. She has been, as always, such a joy! We pray that one day when the time is right that God will bless us with another child, but until then we will enjoy moments with Adalyn and cherish our memories of David.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Born Into Heaven
Thanksgiving Thursday and the following Friday went by very quickly and unbelievably slow at the same time. I felt like I had so much to do. I wanted to have a photographer come take photos of us with David, and I wanted to purchase a few items to help us make memories before I went in to the hospital. We also needed to make arrangements for Adalyn's care, boarding for Emma, and to prepare and feast on a Thanksgiving meal. I was very glad to be hosting and preparing Thanksgiving dinner at our house with our neighbors this year. It gave us a good distraction from life and time to enjoy our friends.
It was decided that I would go into the hospital to be induced at midnight Friday evening. My favorite midwife, Jasmine O. was working the Saturday day shift from 8am to 8pm. I wanted for her to be the one to deliver David. Any of you with any experience, professionally or personally, would be aware that induction of labor usually takes longer than spontaneous labor and delivery. So if I arrived at the hospital at 8am chances would be slim for me to deliver within 12 hours.
We decided to have Matthew stay at home with Adalyn overnight so he would be able to get a good nights rest. I was hoping to sleep through the night at the hospital anyway, so I didn't think I would need him for support until the morning. I arrived at the hospital at midnight and my induction officially started around 2am. I had some cramping, but I successfully slept through the night.
I was happy to hear that my body had already started preparing for labor and I was almost 2cm dilated and 20% effaced before we even got started. Hopefully this induction would not take as long as the 34 hours it took for Adalyn to be born. I was also very pleased to learn that I would not require pitocin or a routine IV and only an external monitor to monitor my contractions and I was allowed to eat breakfast.
Matthew arrived shortly before 10am and I was so happy to see his shoes behind the curtain when he opened the door to my room. Around the time Matthew arrived my cramping started to turn into contractions. They were coming fairly close together but the intensity was moderately mild, and was an uncomfortable pain, but not describable as painful. That didn't last for too long. I was able to sit on one of those big exercise balls and lean over the bed. I was much more comfortable in this position than laying back. My back was aching and Matthew worked hard to rub my back in an effort to relieve my pain. It helped a lot, but the pain inevitably became more and more intense. Finally I didn't think I would make it through with the incredible amount of pain I was having and almost no resting time between contractions. Our wonderful nurse, Sara, gave me some Tylenol and I will tell you that it made all the difference in the world! Anyone who I've talked to about pain medication and birthing interventions knows that I prefer to have none of it if at all possible. Matthew thought that he wanted me to have an epidural because we were in so much emotional hurt that he didn't want me to have to endure any physical pain, but I decided that I wanted to experience everything about David's life even if it were painful. I didn't want to miss out on anything! I was still in quite a bit of pain after I had the Tylenol but the unbearable edge was removed and I knew I would be able to handle the pain in front of me. Not too long after that my hips started to hurt from sitting on the exercise ball. I returned to the bed and I knew that it probably wouldn't be too much longer before it was time to deliver David. I wanted my nurse to get my midwife to access my progress, but she was unavailable at the moment caring for another patient in the birthing suites upstairs. I labored for a bit longer because I thought I still had some time and I didn't want a strange doctor to care for me. Then I knew it was time. Jasmine arrived barely in time. David practically delivered himself, I didn't have to do any pushing at all.
David was born into heaven at 12:55pm on November 26th, 2011. He weighed a hefty 13oz and measured 10 inches long. He was so tiny and he was perfect. All ten fingers, all ten toes, ears, eyes, lips, nose, tongue. He was our perfect son, beautifully made by God for us. He is now our angel in heaven watching over us.
It was a little strange that I wanted so badly to have photos taken of him, but once he was born I instantly changed my mind. We took a couple with our own camera, but prefer to remember him in our minds memories. The footprint impression kit I purchased also was a no go. He was too small and too fragile for it. I was disappointed that all of my memory makers failed to work because his little body wasn't strong enough. Our nurse Sara informed us that she would make us a memory box, and it would included his sweet footprints.
We were given as much time as we wanted to be with David. We held him, wrapped him in a special blanket that his great grandma and great grandpa quilted for him, talked to him, and read him stories that we had picked out especially for him.
When the time came that I was most afraid of, to say goodbye, I felt so much peace. It was so hard to watch the nurse take him away knowing I would never lay eyes on him or hold him again.
After we said goodbye to David they moved us upstairs for recovery. I was glad they didn't try to put me in the mother/baby unit. I spent nearly the entire time there sleeping. I wanted time to go by as quickly as possible. I just wanted to arrive home to be with Matthew and my sweet, sweet Adalyn. They had told me I might be released as soon as 12 hours after delivery, but since David was born at almost 1pm, I don't think any hospital releases patients in the middle of the night, I had to stay overnight. I would have been released earlier in the morning, but the hospital wanted me to visit with the staff social worker before I left. By noon on Sunday I was headed home. The 36 hours I spent in the hospital at UCSD will always be a time of mixed sorry and joy.
We love you David!
Amy
It was decided that I would go into the hospital to be induced at midnight Friday evening. My favorite midwife, Jasmine O. was working the Saturday day shift from 8am to 8pm. I wanted for her to be the one to deliver David. Any of you with any experience, professionally or personally, would be aware that induction of labor usually takes longer than spontaneous labor and delivery. So if I arrived at the hospital at 8am chances would be slim for me to deliver within 12 hours.
We decided to have Matthew stay at home with Adalyn overnight so he would be able to get a good nights rest. I was hoping to sleep through the night at the hospital anyway, so I didn't think I would need him for support until the morning. I arrived at the hospital at midnight and my induction officially started around 2am. I had some cramping, but I successfully slept through the night.
I was happy to hear that my body had already started preparing for labor and I was almost 2cm dilated and 20% effaced before we even got started. Hopefully this induction would not take as long as the 34 hours it took for Adalyn to be born. I was also very pleased to learn that I would not require pitocin or a routine IV and only an external monitor to monitor my contractions and I was allowed to eat breakfast.
Matthew arrived shortly before 10am and I was so happy to see his shoes behind the curtain when he opened the door to my room. Around the time Matthew arrived my cramping started to turn into contractions. They were coming fairly close together but the intensity was moderately mild, and was an uncomfortable pain, but not describable as painful. That didn't last for too long. I was able to sit on one of those big exercise balls and lean over the bed. I was much more comfortable in this position than laying back. My back was aching and Matthew worked hard to rub my back in an effort to relieve my pain. It helped a lot, but the pain inevitably became more and more intense. Finally I didn't think I would make it through with the incredible amount of pain I was having and almost no resting time between contractions. Our wonderful nurse, Sara, gave me some Tylenol and I will tell you that it made all the difference in the world! Anyone who I've talked to about pain medication and birthing interventions knows that I prefer to have none of it if at all possible. Matthew thought that he wanted me to have an epidural because we were in so much emotional hurt that he didn't want me to have to endure any physical pain, but I decided that I wanted to experience everything about David's life even if it were painful. I didn't want to miss out on anything! I was still in quite a bit of pain after I had the Tylenol but the unbearable edge was removed and I knew I would be able to handle the pain in front of me. Not too long after that my hips started to hurt from sitting on the exercise ball. I returned to the bed and I knew that it probably wouldn't be too much longer before it was time to deliver David. I wanted my nurse to get my midwife to access my progress, but she was unavailable at the moment caring for another patient in the birthing suites upstairs. I labored for a bit longer because I thought I still had some time and I didn't want a strange doctor to care for me. Then I knew it was time. Jasmine arrived barely in time. David practically delivered himself, I didn't have to do any pushing at all.
David was born into heaven at 12:55pm on November 26th, 2011. He weighed a hefty 13oz and measured 10 inches long. He was so tiny and he was perfect. All ten fingers, all ten toes, ears, eyes, lips, nose, tongue. He was our perfect son, beautifully made by God for us. He is now our angel in heaven watching over us.
It was a little strange that I wanted so badly to have photos taken of him, but once he was born I instantly changed my mind. We took a couple with our own camera, but prefer to remember him in our minds memories. The footprint impression kit I purchased also was a no go. He was too small and too fragile for it. I was disappointed that all of my memory makers failed to work because his little body wasn't strong enough. Our nurse Sara informed us that she would make us a memory box, and it would included his sweet footprints.
We were given as much time as we wanted to be with David. We held him, wrapped him in a special blanket that his great grandma and great grandpa quilted for him, talked to him, and read him stories that we had picked out especially for him.
When the time came that I was most afraid of, to say goodbye, I felt so much peace. It was so hard to watch the nurse take him away knowing I would never lay eyes on him or hold him again.
After we said goodbye to David they moved us upstairs for recovery. I was glad they didn't try to put me in the mother/baby unit. I spent nearly the entire time there sleeping. I wanted time to go by as quickly as possible. I just wanted to arrive home to be with Matthew and my sweet, sweet Adalyn. They had told me I might be released as soon as 12 hours after delivery, but since David was born at almost 1pm, I don't think any hospital releases patients in the middle of the night, I had to stay overnight. I would have been released earlier in the morning, but the hospital wanted me to visit with the staff social worker before I left. By noon on Sunday I was headed home. The 36 hours I spent in the hospital at UCSD will always be a time of mixed sorry and joy.
We love you David!
Amy
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